She searched her life. She Searched It Good. She found it to be enough.
First off, before anything, the warmest thank you that I can offer to the 20 Something Bloggers Community for voting me Featured Blogger for July! Your votes and support mean the world to me and I am so humbled to be featured on the site. 20sb, you have been so good to me. Thank you is a little word in comparison to the gratitude that I have for each and every one of you.
I am currently curled in three kinds of ways. Curled up in a wicker chair, facing the sunset that stretches its arms out like a well-trained yogi. Fingers curled around the curve of a coffee mug, brewed in a manner that hints at perfection. Curled up in a conversation that I am having with myself.
As I have written before: She is me and I am her. She is me when I am at my best.
“What do you want right now?” she asks me.
“This,” I say. "I want so badly to just want this. This Moment. For it to be enough.”
“Ah, so you wish you were a Master of Enough, I see. That is a very tricky thing to be. Rarely do we ever really believe that a moment is enough or that we have enough. We are constantly scrutinizing our lives and what we have in them. It is as if we treat our lives like a dinner plate but there is never quite enough on the plate. The steak could use more cooking. The cupcakes need more icing. Often we are never satisfied with the simple fact that we have a portion. That We Have a Heart That Beats. A Life To Fill.”
“Well it sounds perfect and whimsical when you script it to me like a Hallmark card,” I say, rebutting her once again. “But send anyone out into THIS world with THAT sentiment and they will drown. Because I never hear the word “enough” only the begs and cries for more. More money. More power. More technology. More lines of communication. More networking. More pounds to lose. More skin. More brands to choose.”
“And is that satisfying? To always want more? Would it be better for you if you could just have more and more?”
She is onto something. Oh, she is good. Too Good.
“Because more would just mean that it was never enough. If I keep adding more it is just giving me less capacity to appreciate what I already have.”
“So if you are not afraid of a desire for more then what keeps you from being a Master of Enough? What are you so afraid of?”
I tell her.
I pluck a fear from my heart like it were a daisy and I give it to her. “I am afraid of silly things. Of having no one at my funeral or always being a face but never a name. But more than anything, I have this fear that at the end of my life someone will hand me a sheet of paper that resembles a cell phone bill. Except instead of “minutes used” it will be “moments wasted.” Moments when I should have been content in the presence of another instead of being absorbed in my email inbox. Moments when I should have just appreciated a person instead of choosing to judge them or criticize them or stay bitter with them. I am petrified those moments will come back to haunt me.”
“Well, can you recall a time when you “used up your minutes” and it was enough?”
I think for a second and I convince myself that a moment such as this does not exist. But then I remember.
I am eight-years-old and the driveway is my very own Broadway stage. I spent hours picking models out of the JCPenney catalog to be my backup dancers for the production of “Annie.” I sashayed and strutted and taught imaginary clothing models how to dance to “Tomorrow.”
And cars whizzed by. Neighbors stared. But I never noticed.
“And why is that?" she asks.
“Because, what would it have mattered? I had everything I needed in that very moment. Passion. Creativity. Backup Dancers. Enough.”
“Well there you go,” She and I. We are getting somewhere. “Someone is always going to tell you that don’t have enough or that you are not doing enough. Drown out the ridicule with your song. Drown out the need for More with all the Enough your heart can hold. Don’t become discouraged when moments get lost in the shuffle, for they surely will, but ask yourself often “Am I living this life right?” No one is Too Good, Too Wise or Too Old for a reality check. Question often if you are using your time well, to marvel at creation or to say thank you to a friend. To Shower Others With Compassion. To Soak in a Bathtub of Simple Things. Sunsets. Cups of coffee. Scented markers. Dirt stains. Jokes on popsicle sticks. Friendship. Memories. People who are willing to make space in their heart for you. Not just for a minute but for forever.”
If I choose to listen to myself tonight, and the wisdom that she gives to me, I will accept that we are all just students to the word Enough. Some of us are scholars but I have yet to encounter a Master of Enough.
No matter our ranking, we should resolve either way. Resolve to delight in the learning. The little life lessons. The starting and restarting. The memories. The moments. The mysteries. That we gather on our way, in search for Enough as a bookmark for our day.