Hacking depression during the holidays.

“We’ve been here before,” she tells me. “You know this.” 

Sitting across from her, I realize we come to this place every year. Around this time. It’s not surprising that I end up in this same place annually. 

I’m sitting in my therapist’s office and we are talking about the feelings that tend to sweep in and take over as the year winds down. 

This time of year is hard for me. I know, I know, it’s the “most wonderful time of the year.” But my depression spikes during the months where the sun makes less appearances and the calendars take a chill pill for some winter hibernation. Instead of rejoicing in the rest, my depression often takes this period of time to hiss in my ear, “Things are slowing down now… were you invited to enough holiday parties? Do you really matter? Will there be anything significant for you to do next year?” 

I realize this sounds crazy. But I also realize I am not alone and maybe someone reading this is thinking, “Wow. Yes. I’m right there with you.” In that case, all my honesty is worth it. 

So back to my therapist. Her telling me we’ve been here before. I’ve been seeing her for four years now and it’s long enough to know we have a pattern on our hands. Something in my brain starts firing as October passes the torch off to November. Something inside of me grows fear that I’ll tumble back into a bottomless depression because that’s what happened four November 18th’s ago. 

“You need to hack your life,” she tells me. “We aren’t going to be surprised this is happening. But we are going to build some rhythms and routines to prevent the feelings from going any further.” 

I like this idea of hacking my life. This feels proactive to me. And she’s right, there are going to be times in your own walk with mental illness where you need to hunker down and get ready to fight harder. You need back up. You need ammo. You need to be ready for sneak attacks. You need to fill the bunker with all the materials possible so you stay ready for the curve balls of depression. 

Maybe I’ve been quieter in this place recently. I’ve been doing a lot of hacking. A lot of preparing. It takes a lot of energy and time. But my health is important to me. It fuels everything else. So I am thankful for this time of training and preparing to fight if I need to. 

My journey is far from perfect but I am learning every single day. Here are a few of my most precious hacks I’ve developed over the years to keep me engaged in the holiday season when depression wants to steal the script:

Hack Your Depression this Holiday Season

Surround yourself.

I know how tempting it is to isolate yourself. It’s tempting to cancel plans or not make them in the first place. The prospect of sitting on the couch in your coziest sweatpants with nothing on the agenda but Netflix is the most tempting thing in the world but does it really help? Sure, an hour of Netflix might be relaxing. But a Netflix binge when you’re known to be stuck in your feelings on a regular basis won’t end up aiding anyone, especially not you. 

Go against your comfort zone. Make plans with friends. Invite people over to your home for some festive holiday coffee and treats. Do something that feelings like the opposite of what you want to do. I know this isn’t the most popular wisdom. People say you can’t “fake it until you make it” but I don’t always buy that. I think you have to fight extra hard against the feelings of depression and what that glowering sadness wants you to do with yourself. 

You need to surround yourself with some better voices. Get around people. 

Speak it out.

Speaking of better voices— I challenge you to speak your struggle out to the people you love and trust. It doesn’t have to be a 500 word essay or a long, dramatic monologue. You can simply say, “Listen, I might not have told you this before but I really struggle during this time of year. There’s a temptation to isolate and my depression gets a little worst. Could you check in on me every once in a while?”

We need to dispel the lie that asking for someone to check in with you, hold you accountable to living your better life, is weak. Asking people to surround you in the battle for your brain is not weak, it’s wise. 

Depression wants you to go through the trials alone. It wants you isolated so it can speak sad things into you. The best thing I’ve learned to do in my battle is ask others to come into the mess with me. I invite them into the ring. They don’t need a tutorial or even a lesson. They simply put on the boxing gloves and they join me in speaking truth and goodness in the spaces where fear wants to take over.

Have a battle plan.

This one is huge for me. It’s my mental *sometimes physical* checklist of all the things I know need to be in my rhythms and routines for me to live my healthiest life. My routines are my weapon against depression. People often don’t understand why I emphasize discipline so much. My reasoning is simple: without it, I tend to flounder. I live half alive. I don’t own my full potential when I don’t dedicate myself to discipline. And time is so short and precious, I want as much of it as I can have. 

So my mental checklist looks like this:

1. Making dates with friends AKA not isolating. 

2. Taking my medication every single day AKA not skipping/missing.

3. Eating for my health AKA not expecting sugars + fried foods to be kind with my mind.

4. Working out at least 3 times a week AKA extra serotonin. 

5. In the word daily AKA filling my brain with the right stuff.
   

On any given day, my mom or Lane can see if I am off… if a mood isn’t really matching up… and they can ask if all 5 things are there. 

Lane isn’t afraid to ask if I’ve taken my medication the last few days. My mother is the first to ask if I am having too much takeout. My mom tries to be sly and ask what interesting things I’m reading in the Scriptures these days if she thinks I might be off balance, off my routine. 

Let others into your checklist. Invite them to call you out. Because calling you out really looks like call you up to something better. 

Go through the motions.

This is likely another not-so-popular opinion that you would go through the motions of things even when you don’t feel like it. I say it because I’ve had to preach to this myself over and over again: Hannah, these feelings want you to never move forward. These feelings want to convince you you’ll never experience joy. Do the things anyway.

What are the things you love about this time of year? 

Do you normally love the lights? Make it a point to go see them.

Do you normally love Hallmark Movies? Make it an end-of-the-day treat. I am a big fan of rewarding myself when I make it through hard days. 

Your feelings aren’t always trustworthy. They’re kind of like that friend who you originally thought you could trust with your whole life and then you slowly realized that friend doesn’t guard your secrets, does a lot of gossiping, and often gives you bad advice. Those are your feelings— sometimes they’re on point but a lot of times they’re steering you to take frantic, half-thought-out detours. Don’t let the feelings of sadness or loneliness steal the valuable parts of this season. It goes fast. It matters that you show up.

Create some phone boundaries.

Guys, this is a huge one. It’s been a consistent practice of mine throughout this past year. The cellphones— the constant connectedness— is messing with us. It’s breaking our brains. It’s causing us to slump and feel more depressed than ever.

I’m not telling you to throw your phone in the river or anything. But I am telling you this: creating boundaries with your connectedness is wise and will restore your health. Limit the time spent scrolling. Make a vow to yourself that when you get on social media then you’ll be there to engage. Be vocal. Comment on things rather than being the creepy person who checks out statuses but never interacts. 

This week, I listened to a really great podcast on putting down the devices and I was inspired to take email off my phone. I’ve noticed for a while that I don’t actually respond to emails on my phone (very rarely). If anything, I pop into my inbox when I am bored. The last few days have been hard for me as my thumb tries to hover over where my email used to be but it’s all a matter of retraining my brain for the better.

No one will set screen boundaries for you. You’ve got to step up and make those micro changes for yourself. 

Some examples of small boundaries to begin with:

• No phone after 9pm

• Use an alarm clock and charge your phone in another room

• NO SCROLLING before 10am

• No email on your phone

• Do Not Disturb mode during the most important tasks of your day

You’re not broken.

This isn’t practical so much as it is pure truth: you’re not broken for dealing with depression during the holidays. It’s normal. It does not mean your defective or that God is looking down at you and thinking, “Gosh, pull yourself together. What is wrong with you, child?!” 

For a long time, I was led astray by people who told me I just needed more faith if I wanted to beat my depression. I remember thinking to myself, “Joy is a fruit of the spirit. And we get those fruits of the spirit by spending time with God. So I’m just going to spend as much time as possible with God and joy is going to show up.” 

I tried, people. I tried. I spent hours reading my bible— searching for Joy like she was going to pop up in the pages and take up residence in my heart. And when it didn’t happen, I felt I was a failure. That I wasn’t someone who knew much about faith if I couldn’t even master a simple thing like joy. 

It’s perfectly okay if you struggle for joy. It doesn’t make you wrong or bad. Give yourself some grace and remember: we are all made differently. Your lack of joy has nothing to do with your devotion to God. 

To the one who feels dried up and lacking joy: you’re not broken. You’re not far off. Pick up your backpack and pack up your tent, we aren’t going to stay camping out in these feelings forever. Let’s keep moving, little traveler. And let’s count the things that give us glimmers of hope and light as we go. They might be small. And they might not feel how we expected them to feel. But they’re there. 

Hope is around us this holiday season. 

We might not be able to see her or touch her but I swear she’s here. 

RESOURCES

You belong at the table. Part 1.

Hey Hannah!

I just wanted to email you with a question I think you could answer for me. I’m 19, studying writing at the university of my dreams. I feel so young, yet at the same time, I feel like I should already be making an impact in the world.  I know many people my age already working really hard to be successful and I have this mindset that I’m behind or something. It feels like everyone else is thriving and accomplishing things worth talking about while I’m just here writing my thoughts down, not knowing if I’m even making an impact in anyone’s lives. Am I behind already? Should I be publishing a book or something by now? How do I know when it’s my turn to do something big? I want to be young and enjoy my college years, but I also want to be able to share something that’s mine with the world, something I’ve poured my entire being into writing. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to have success in writing, which success can mean multiple things to different people, but I also know being a writer isn’t an easy task for the ones who really want to make it a career. Is this fear of feeling behind normal for a writer? And is there ever the “right time” to begin?

Love,

J.

---

Dear J,

My favorite guy in the Bible is Moses. There’s just something about that man that, if circumstances were to arise, I’d pick him instantly as my partner for the Amazing Race. He’s got this really fascinating background you’ve got to pay close attention to as you read about him. He wasn’t always splitting seas and leading people out of captivity. He had a beginning. And he had some false starts.

At one point in the story, God plants his vision inside of Moses. I’m sure you’ve felt that before. Suddenly, you catch this bigger glance of what things “could be.” It’s the kind of vision that keeps you up at night. It leaves you breathless, thinking to yourself in the quiet of the middle of the night, “I might not be an accident.”

Moses jumps too soon though. He gets so passionate about his “one-day mission” that he flails out of control and starts that second. The result of that? Some dude gets killed and Moses has to go into hiding for 40 years. Yikes.

I think about what Moses did during those 40 years of hiding. He planted roots down. He became a father. He tended a flock. If you think about leading an entire people group out of Egypt one day, applicable skills for dealing with unruly people would be a) raising children and b) herding dumb sheep.

It’s easy to look at that story and think: well, I don’t want to wait 40 years for my destiny to unfold. And that’s not what I am prescribing to you. But I will say this: the seasons you want to discount might be more crucial than you think or realize.

I remember college. I remember thinking to myself: I don’t want to get lapped by other people. My life has to start now, too. But that’s a myth. Because your life has already started. And everything happening around you is meant to be soaked in and lived.

What if Moses were to neglect the flock because he was too busy thinking about the things he messed up or the people who were lapping him? The devil is in distraction these days.

What if I were to invite you to a dinner party at my home? I send you the link and I ask you to sign up for something. I want to make sure the dishes on the table are diverse that night. You take a glance at the list and you realize someone is bringing a unique appetizer. Bacon-wrapped dates (only because that’s my favorite thing in the world). You wouldn’t think to steal what they’re making. You wouldn’t double up on the bacon-wrapped dates, right? So why would you be willing to do the same thing with your calling? Why would you look to others to inform what you bring to the table?

If you spend your days focusing on what other people are doing, you’ll miss what God wants to do with you. You’ll miss the marrow. You’ll miss what’s unique about your story. And let’s be honest, there is far too much imitation in the world already. What we need is people who are willing to get alone with God, dig deep, and figure out what they bring to the table. Because it’s different than what someone else brings.

First things first: you belong here. You belong at the table. The table is long and there is plenty of run so let’s stuff an apple in the mouth of the liar who tells you there’s not enough room. Yes, the world is noisy. Yes, social media is loud. But people don’t tire from watching others do good in the world.

Step one: come to the table with all the experience you have so far. Don’t belittle it. Don’t strap words like “not enough” or “too much” to the things you do. Just bring it all with you because it all counts. We can start with that.

xx.

hb.

Conquer FOMO & create boundaries with your phone.

Sometimes I have an interview I really enjoy doing, a conversation where we dig deep and really get to the heart of things in the first 5 minutes. That’s just the kind of person I am. I believe life is too short to stick to the surface level.

Last week, one of those interviews happened and I wanted to share it with all of you. It covers a lot of the questions you email and message me on a regular basis:

• How do you handle social media when it is overwhelming?

• What boundaries exist between you and your phone?

• How do you conquer a paralyzing fear of missing out so you can learn to live in the present moment.

My interview is actually a part of a series hosted by Caroline Garnet McGraw. This interview will air on October 16 but you can get all sorts of free content & interviews from other creatives and inspiring humans by signing up for the free course here. I love how all the talks are custom-designed to help you handle doubt, get unstuck, and live your purpose.

These are some of the topics we touched in the interview:

• How I learned to stop bouncing between dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, and actually put down roots and be present in my real life.

• The root cause of the depression I experienced in 2014.

• A DEEP dive into FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

• Real-world boundaries I set on my social media use and how I have learned to engage online in ways that facilitate connection and celebration, rather than envy and discontent.

• Why God is NOT a Mean Girl.

The Clarity Course runs from Monday, October 15th through Sunday, November 4th. During that time, you'll receive daily interviews to help you stop second-guessing and start moving forward.

And get this - The Clarity Course is totally free. All you need to do is click the link below and sign up to see the show.

You're in the process. Stay there.

I am 53 days into an 80-day fitness program. I’m counting. 

I have a slight obsession with measurable programs. I like to count the days. I get fuel off of knowing I am on day 23 of a Whole30. I don’t think I am alone on this. I find a surge of power from being able to see my progress quantified, made into something I can measure and hold up to the world. 

There’s nothing wrong with this. If you’re 20 days or 50 days into something then you should be proud. But I am reminding myself (more often than not) that it's okay if I miss a day or fall behind a few days. Mess-ups along the journey do not discount the entire stretch of road you've traveled. 

You're in the process. Stay there.

It’s okay if you fail on day 4. It’s okay if you make it to day 10 and then bellyflop back into old habits. You and I, we cannot let a number of days on a calendar classify or define us. The important thing: you started. You tried. You got 4 days further than you did last time. 

Don’t let failure keep you down. Don’t let it convince you that you cannot start again. You are more than a few crossed off days on the calendar.

Growth isn’t something you can measure in just days. Growth is measured in strength, knowledge, and the building of new character. It’s built gradually and over time. Even when the “x amount of days” are finished, you’re still growing. You’re still making moves. You’re still on the journey. 

If at first you fail, try again. 

If you find yourself finishing, keep going. 

You deserve progress. You deserve to be able to look into the mirror and see yourself changing, becoming someone healthier or better. You deserve to celebrate the little victories and rejoice for rejoicing’s sake.

If you’re starting something today, give it your all. 

If you fail something today (or miss a day), get back to it. Pick yourself up and get back to it.

If you are in the middle of something today, go at it with new strength.

If you are finishing today, this is really just one chapter closing and a new beginning emerging. Keep on, keep on, going. 

I'd love to hear from you: do you ever get stuck in "counting the days"? What journey are you proud to be celebrating today?

Save me for a rainy day.

The forecast reads "rain."

Lots of it.

More to come.

So much rain they're interrupting regularly scheduled programming to analyze it.

It's been raining for ten trillion years here in Atlanta and the weatherman keeps talking as if it will be pouring buckets forever. Who's building the ark? Who's gathering the animals?

The rain today made me think of something I wrote when I was 22 years old. It was at the start of creating More Love Letters. I wrote a letter to whoever was reading, 8 years ago, and I told people to save it for a rainy day. The metaphorical kind.

I've learned a lot in 8 years and so I figured I'd rewrite that letter with what I know now but I would give the same instructions: if these words speak to you, print them out. Fold them up. Put them somewhere safe like a drawer or a wallet. Write on the outside of the paper, "Save me for a rainy day." May this note be a reminder to you when the dark feels endless. May this note comfort and keep you when it feels like the rain is never going to cease:

Save Me for a Rainy Day

The rain will end. Eventually.

Right now it feels like buckets. It feels like darkness. It feels like that time when the stars weren't visible and the trees were hovering and it's okay to think to yourself, "Am I ever coming out of these woods?"

The rain will end, stop, cease, quit it-- all the things. It's only a matter of time.

Gosh, do you hate when people talk about time as if it heals all the wounds? Time is the one thing you can't speed up or manipulate. You can't expedite it or erase it. In a place where food is delivered in under 45 minutes and you could Prime that product and have it here tomorrow, I know what it is like to wish time worked on a tighter schedule. I know what it is like to think, "I need time to speed up. I need this pain to go away. I need this darkness to cease."

You're going to make it. You're going to make it through. 

I don't like to be the kind of person who says "there's a purpose for everything" because there is too much senseless evil on this planet to say that so quickly. But I've seen my fair share of purpose induced by pain. I've seen the good that comes from the bad. I've been through enough patches of wood to say that sometimes the woods makes you stronger. They show you what you're made of. They push you outside of yourself or they help you discover new layers of yourself.

Whatever you're going through right now-- it's hard. I won't belittle that or make it seem smaller than it really is. I've learned never to predict the storms for someone else. We all get storms and those storms look different. I can't say when the rain will stop or how bad it will get. No need to be a weatherman in this world that needs people with umbrellas to rise and say, "I'll stand here as long as you need me."

I used to wish God would be less of a God and more of a weatherman. Less omniscient, more predictable.  I wished he'd be the kind of guy to say to me, "The storm will end around 2. Just hold tight and wear your rainboots, kid."

Instead, I learned to stop asking "when" and "how long" for matters of darkness and discomfort. Now I ask a harder question. I ask, "What do you need me to see right now? What can I learn from this? Teach me how to move through this storm gracefully and come out better than before."

God isn't being silent. He's not being cold and impersonal by not giving you a sneak peek into the final scene of this fight. He knows more than you could possibly believe about this storm. He knows every wound and every hit you'll take as you charge through the rain. He knows how radiant you'll look when it's time to look back. He knows and I know he's good for it. Hold tight. Keep saying your scrappy prayers. He's got you.

You might get hit. You might be pelted. Battle scars aren't weakness-- they're proof you fought through hell and back. 

You might get hit. You might be pelted. Battle scars aren't weakness-- they're proof you fought through hell and back.

It won't be like this forever. The rain will stop. It's okay if you need a second to camp out or stop for rest. It's okay if you're tired or you don't have the strength to fight like you did yesterday. Don't score your weak days just wake up and give what you can.

Honesty hour: I used to think I didn't have the strength to get through my hardest days. I remember wanting to curl in a ball and surrender. But I remember how sick I became of hearing fear speak on my behalf. I had to stop allowing fear to hold my phone, to type my messages and script my battle cries.

Fear was never made to be the narrator of my story. It doesn't have the right voice. It doesn't have the right pitch or tone. That's the day I became so strong, the day I heard fear belting loudly in my ears and I talked back. I found my voice and I finally said, "Just because I hear you doesn't mean I need to listen to you or respect you. You don't get to own me. I'm freer than you think."

You're freer than you think. You're mightier than you know. You've got all this strength inside of you that hasn't even been tapped into yet. It's waiting there in the deep of you.

Tap in. Tap in. Tap in.

tying you closer than most,

hb.

How to get refueled.

I'm a hustler by nature. I'm one of the lucky ones, thankful I am able to say, "I love what I do."

No matter if you love the work you do, we all need to shut down sometimes. We need a chance to get away or even just plan a well-deserved stay-cation. For Lane and I, we love to take a weekend and get out of the city. Atlanta is beautiful but there's something that happens when you leave the city for a little while-- some kind of restoration and joy I cannot fully explain.

Last month, we got the chance to visit our favorite spot in Athens, Georgia for a much-needed recharge weekend. The Graduate Hotel. I discovered this boutique hotel back in March when Lane and I were in Athens for a concert. Too tired to drive the nearly 2-hour trip back into the city, I stumbled upon the Graduate in a Google search and then I immediately planned our next trip back.

To know me is to know I am a sucker for boutique hotels. I like places with character and style and I wish I could say we have more of these options by us. This particular collection of hotels are planted around the country in university towns and they're perfect for a study nerd like me. I am so excited they're building one in New Haven, CT in 2019!

But back to last month...

We packed our bags, bought some concert tickets, made a few dinner reservations and drove off to the Graduate for some much-needed rest and time away from the city.

Refueling tips I scribbled down for the ones who need a break:

Read... for pleasure.

Lane and I are pretty big on this. You can find us, on any given trip, reading some good fiction. I hear from a lot of people that they have a hard time reading fiction. I feel you on that but I made the leap back towards fiction last year and I do not regret the switch. Most nonfiction books are geared with the mission of making you a better ___________________. There's something about a good fiction book I can get lost in, without any agenda, that now feeds my soul.

Fiction I am currently digging:

• The Astonishing Color of After
• The Mothers
• An American Marriage
• The Girls

Find you a coffee shop.

Maybe you can't get away for the weekend but you have an afternoon to spare. The world is bustling with cool coffee shops. Bring a notebook. Order a latte. Write with your phone on airplane mode.

That was my biggest draw to the Graduate- I absolutely fell in love with their coffee shop. It's what I like to imagine my brain probably looks like. Lane and I spent Saturday morning camped out with our Bibles, newspapers, and journals.

You'd be surprised how quickly your brain moves from the terror of a blank journal page to all sorts of scribbles of inspirations. I think we all need time to power down and dream a little.

Turn off the phone.

Or at least put it on airplane mode so you can take some pictures. It's all too easy to slip into the habit of being alone together-- especially when you're married. Lane and I have to work hard to be with one another, not just sit next to one another while scrolling through our phones.

The art of presence is hard but worth it. Start by silencing your phone for an hour or leave the phone in the car while you head to the restaurant.

Go your own way.

Before Lane and I got hitched, I remember everyone telling me it was going to be all about the marriage now. The TV and movie culture always make it seem as though your freedom is going down the drain. I can proudly say it now, "You can still do things solo even when you're married."

You don't have to spend every waking moment together. The marriage is important, YES, but so is refueling your tank however you see fit so you can better contribute to the relationship. On that Saturday night, Lane headed for a concert and I stayed back, deciding to return to the hotel after dinner to watch my reality TV shows, drink a glass of wine, and enjoy the comfort of a big bed.

The art of presence is hard but worth it. Start by silencing your phone for an hour or leave the phone in the car while you head to the restaurant.

Spending time apart only makes it sweeter when you guys get back together at the end of the day.

Big night in.

You don't have to hit the town or get dressed up to have a perfect evening. In fact, my favorite nights revolve around cozying up in bed or playing a game of Spades or Catan with friends.

Again (because it is worth repeating), challenge yourself to put your phones in another room so you can really be with the people you love. It's so easy to become distracted with smartphones and time is the most precious resource we're bound to waste.

You need a break.

Okay... so this last one isn't a pro-tip. It's a simple reminder I often need to hear myself: you need a break every once in a while. The world won't fall apart when you put that autoresponder up. It will all still be here when you get back. Make steps and enforce boundaries to shut off every once in a while and refuel your body, mind, and soul. I used to think self-care was selfish but now I see it's a priority and the only way I can guarantee that I give the rest of my responsibilities everything I have.

I wrote this piece after visiting the Graduate Athens. I can't say enough good things about this business and I'm thankful to share about it here.

I want to hear from you! What are your favorite tips + tricks for resting and refueling yourself? Let's dialogue in the comments below!